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wonders never cease Wednesday, November 19, 2014

21 Songs for World Toilet Day

Apologies in advance to Lincoln's ghost and anyone else whose delicate sensibilities may be offended, but please rest assured it's for a good cause.

For those of you that haven’t noticed, we post a music play list on this blog every Wednesday. Before we begin this week’s list, we ask that you forgive us our juvenile indulgence just this once. We promise to return to our high-minded musings and excellent music collections next week. It’s just that we were flushed with excitement when we learned that World Toilet Day fell on play list day this year. It’s as if our whole life has been leading up to this very moment. We truly believe that it’s a shame to let good toilet jokes go to waste, and now we have the opportunity to blow the lid off some global dirty laundry that could benefit from public exposure. Lincoln himself said “What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.” If you haven’t yet heard of World Toilet Day, this is absolutely a matter of life and death. Here’s the poop.

Nearly 2.5 billion people do not have access to a toilet or sustainable sanitation, with more than 1 billion forced to practice open defecation. The list of diseases directly linked to open defecation includes cholera, typhoid, hepatitis, polio, diarrhea, worm infestation, reduced physical growth, impaired cognitive function and under nutrition. Diarrhea alone is the second biggest killer of children under five years old in the world. Around 1.5 million deaths each year - nearly one in five – are caused by diarrhea. It kills more children than malaria, AIDS, and measles combined.

Lack of access to sanitation cost the world’s poorest countries $260 billion dollars a year. The World Health Organization and The United Nations have launched initiatives to publicize the problem to encourage struggling nations to address the issue. Nonprofit organizations like Water.org have worked to promote awareness and raise funds to provide sustainable sanitation to those without it. They have shown remarkable returns on modest investments. For a mere $25 donation, you can provide someone clean water for life.  On average, every US dollar invested in water and sanitation provides an economic return of eight US dollars for some of the poorest countries in the world. This is a problem that can be eradicated in our lifetime.

Proper Topper has created a campaign with Water.org, not just because it gives us an excuse to use the world’s best hashtag #toiletsWIN but also because they run a remarkably effective charity. We would be honored if you would join us in this worthwhile cause.

We’re guessing that the blog photo alone will be enough to get the refined ladies of Proper Topper scrambling to get a new blog post up pretty soon, relegating this log to sub-post status in short order. In order to reach our goal, we will need sympathetic readers to send this link around to keep it active. While we’re confident that Abe will be relieved when this post is no longer relevant, we’d like to remind everyone that the flush toilet has probably saved more lives than any other invention in the history of the world. I think we can all agree that everyone should have access to a clean, safe way to perform their necessary bodily functions. To paraphrase Lincoln, “Those who would deny a toilet to others deserve it not for themselves.”

Despite its obvious importance in the lives of everyone who gets to use one with regularity, we found that Spotify is not overflowing with songs about toilets. We didn’t want to crap out on this list so we opted to combine toilet songs with thematically-related songs we like and swirled in a few potty-training songs to boot. We tried to keep it child appropriate, mostly because we suspect that we failed to make it adult appropriate. We paired each song with some form of toilet joke, bathroom graffiti or any other scatological humor we caught wind of (because we’ll never, ever get the chance to do something like this again).

We cordially invite you all to splash them around to bring attention to this noble cause, and we hope you’re moved to donate. If you want to throw an impromptu party and use our play list as your music, bombs away, friends. Be forewarned, the power of suggestion is strong so we suggest you clean your latrines and refresh your supply of toilet paper. The music is surprisingly danceable, and there are good lessons abound, especially for kids. In case it needs saying, all bathroom puns and references are absolutely intended.

1. Toilet – The Household Necessities Trilogy, Part One – Deckchair Poets
A little girl came running out of the bathroom and yelled, “Dad, I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet.” Her dad retrieved it and tossed it in the trash. Seeing this, the little girl grabbed her father’s toothbrush and asked, "Should we put this one in the trash too? It fell in the toilet last week."

2. Rock ‘n’ Roll Toilet – The Soft Boys
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender. "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet." The bartender laughs and shakes his head so the guy moves on to the next bar. "Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" asks the man. "A golden toilet? Don't be ridiculous," the bartender says, giving him a strange look. This continues from bar to bar until the man is nearing the edge of town and running out of options. As he approaches the bartender at one of the last bars in town, he repeats his odd request. "Excuse me, I know this might sound crazy but do you have a golden toilet? The only part of last night I remember is leaving my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet." The bartender smiles and replies, “I think I can help you, fella, as soon as I finish with the guy at the end of the bar.” He gestures to catch the far customer’s attention and shouts “Hey Smitty, I found the guy who crapped in your tuba.”

3. She Wants A Flush Toilet – Jim Needler
A woman living in a rural area wanted to have an outhouse that wouldn't stink. She advertised it in the local papers for a contractor that could build such a structure. After some time, a contractor applied for the job and guaranteed that the outhouse would not have any odor. He got the job. Sometime after completing the construction, the man got a frantic call from the woman, "You'd better get here fast! That outhouse has a terrible smell!" He rushed over, went to the outhouse, poked his head through the door and exclaimed, "No wonder it stinks! You pooped in it!"

4. The Poopsmith Song – Over The Rhine
Did you hear about the kid who swallowed twenty five cents? He had to sit on the toilet until a quarter past.

5. Flushed From The Bathroom of Your Heart – Johnny Cash
Here I sit, so broken hearted
Paid my dime and only farted.
But yesterday I took a chance.
I saved my dime but pooped my pants.

6. Girls On The Toilet – Big Stick
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

7. I Sit Down When I Pee – Tim and Eric
One day a little pig walked into a bar. He had a few beers, then got up to leave. He asked the bartender, “Which way to the bathroom?” She answered, “Go down the hall, first door on your left.” The pig went to the bathroom and left. The next day another little pig came into the bar. He also had a few drinks, and asked the bartender where the bathroom was. Again, she told him, “Go down the hall, first door on your left.” Again, he went to the bathroom and left.  This went on for nine days. On the tenth day, a pig walked in and had a few drinks, but he got up and started to walk out. The bartender stopped him and asked, “Aren’t you going to ask where the bathroom is?“ The little pig replied “No, I’m going wee wee wee all the way home…“

8. Crapper – Secretions
Police in New Zealand were mystified by the apparent theft of the toilet bowl from a police station in Auckland. When a local news reporter asked the police sergeant if they had any leads, he replied, "At present we have nothing to go on."

9. Don’t Poop In Your Pants – Orion Williams
A stuffy matron is on a first date in a very fancy restaurant. The broccoli soup she started with wreaks havoc on her digestive system, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."
"Certainly, Madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"

10. Toilet Bowl – MH & Smith and the Pack
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

11. Constipation Blues – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing. The bewildered priest waited a few moments and then coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knocking, pal, there's no paper in this one either."

12. Ode to the Crapper – Crapmachine
Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.

13. Flush The Magic Dragon – Auntie Poo and the Porta-Potties
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at eight o'clock I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 
seven o'clock sharp I urinate. Every morning at eight o'clock I move my bowels. Every morning at nine o'clock on the dot I wake up."

14. The Toilet Song – The Bouncing Souls
Please don't throw your cigarette butts in this toilet, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light.

15. The Tube (No Toilet Paper On The Roll) – Apple Betty
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell French toast!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell pancakes!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is molasses."

16. The Man with the Toilet Made of Gold – 13Bats
What is invisible to the naked eye but easily identified when broken? Wind.

17. Porta-Potty Blues – Jack Montgomery
A lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I’ve been having a gas problem for over a month. I can’t stop farting. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...smell really awful." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

18. I Gotta Pee – The Megacools
Why is pea soup more special than mashed potatoes? Because anyone can mash potatoes.

19. Planet Potty – Andy Z
A lady came in for a routine physical at her doctor’s office. “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

20. Stainless Steel Toilet – The Muddy Sons
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an attractive lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "By any chance, do you have today’s paper?"
The lady looked at him sympathetically and said, "Sorry, no, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll try and grab you a handful of leaves."

21. A Complicated Song – “Weird Al” Yankovic
Whoever coined the phrase 'You don't know what you got till it’s gone.' was probably talking about toilet paper.


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