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wonders never cease Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Fourteen Songs for the Fat Man & His Elves

Alright, good readers, the Yule is nigh. We’re into the home stretch of this holiday season and I’m sure we’re all a little weary. For better or for worse, there’s really only a week to go before Christmas, or eight and a half days until Boxing Day, if that’s what floats your boat. If you feel a bit under the gun at this point, think about how rough things probably are at the North Pole this week. The sun never rises so the entire operation is illuminated by omnipresent LCD countdown clocks and the blinking lights of coffeepots in various states of disrepair. No matter how cool Orlando Bloom and Peter Jackson make it look, we're thankful we're not elves this week. In honor of our industrious half pint cousins and their hard charging task master, we’re delivering a Christmas play list, as promised. However, to give us all a bit of a break from the mounting pressure of this ever lengthening season, we’re opting for some non-traditional tunes this week, with nary a Noel to be found among them. Take your foot off the gas and take a deep breath or two while you listen. Don’t forget to exhale. Try and enjoy the rest of this season with cheer and goodwill towards all. We’re in this together so let's be good to each other. Things will be back to normal in no time. Cheers.

1. Champagne of Christmas – The Fleshtones
“Being a traditionalist, I'm a rabid sucker for Christmas. In July, I'm already worried that there are only 146 shopping days left.”
- John Waters

2. Merry Christmas Baby – Vandaveer
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
- George Carlin 

3. Christmas Cookies – G. Love
“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
- Phyllis Diller

4. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year – Martha Wainwright
“Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.”
- Victor Borge

5. Christmas-A-Come – Eek-A-Mouse
“CALVIN: This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn't exist what's the meaning of all this?
HOBBES: I dunno. Isn't this a religious holiday?
CALVIN: Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God.”
- Bill Watterson

6. Darlin’ (Christmas Is Coming) – Over The Rhine
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.”
- Jay Leno

7. Christmas at the Airport – Nick Lowe
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”
- Shirley Temple

8. The Man In The Santa Suit – Fountains Of Wayne
“Santa is our culture's only mythic figure truly believed in by a large percentage of the population. It's a fact that most of the true believers are under eight years old, and that's a pity.”
- Chris Van Allsburg

9. Christmas Must Be Tonight – The Band
“I am a veteran of the War on Christmas. I am just emerging from a battlefield strewn with dead trees and torn shreds of brightly colored wrapping paper.”
- Henry Rollins

10. What Do Bad Girls Get? – Joan Osbourne
“Having a birthday cake squashed into your face by young kids? Delicious. I always don a Santa suit at Christmas. Remaining childish is a tremendous state of innocence.”
- John Lydon

11. Father Christmas – The Kinks
“That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
- Jerry Seinfeld

12. No Christmas For Me – Zee Avi
“For a Jewish guy, I've recorded a lot of Christmas albums.”
- Barry Manilow

13. Something To Hold On To (At Christmas) – Ron Sexsmith
“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.”
- Demetri Martin

14. I Bet On Flying High – Matt Costa
“To perceive Christmas through its wrappings becomes more difficult with every year.”
- E. B. White

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wonders never cease