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wonders never cease Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Fourteen Songs for Scientology

Want to hear something weird? Fifty one years ago today, the first Church of Scientology was founded in California. On that very same day, famous Scientologist John Joseph Travolta was born in Englewood, New Jersey. It must seem pretty cool to know that you are the exact same age as your religion, assuming that’s how Travolta views of his membership in Scientology. Apparently not all Scientologists do. We aren’t going to pass judgment on L. Ron Hubbard’s creation or those who subscribe to his teachings. We just thought the coincidence was too weird to let pass unremarked upon. Now that we’ve done our remarking, we leave you with these songs inspired by Scientology or created by Scientologists along with some quotes attributed to Lafayette Ronald Hubbard himself. Happy birthday, Vincent Vega.

1. The Way That It Began – Children’s Scientology Pageant
“A science is something which is constructed from truth on workable axioms. There are 55 axioms in scientology which are very demonstrably true, and on these can be constructed a great deal.”

2. You’re The One That I Want – John Travolta and Olivia Newton John
“There were very, very large sums of money that I made when I was very young - 15 million published works and a great many successful movies don't make nothin'.”

3. The Show – Doug E Fresh
“Scientology is the study of knowingness. It increases one's knowingness, but if a man were totally aware of what was going on around him, he would find it relatively simple to handle any outnesses in that.”

4. Ode To Scientology – The Evangenitals
"In all the broad Universe there is no other hope for Man than ourselves."

5. You’re Speaking My Language – Juliette & The Licks
"A truly Suppressive Person or group has no rights of any kind and actions taken against them are not punishable."

6. Theme From Shaft – Isaac Hayes
"Scientology...is not a religion."

7. Scientology – Clownvis
"The sudden and abrupt deletion of all individuals occupying the lower bands of the Tone Scale from the social order would result in an almost instant rise in the cultural tone and would interrupt the dwindling spiral into which any society may have entered."

8. Hell Yes – Beck
"Let’s sell these people a piece of blue sky."

9. I Feel For You – Chaka Khan
"Now, get this as a technical fact, not a hopeful idea. Every time we have investigated the background of a critic of Scientology, we have found crimes for which that person or group could be imprisoned under existing law. We do not find critics of Scientology who do not have criminal pasts."

10. Scientology Slaves – Stout Jackson
"Arthritis vanishes, myopia gets better, heart illness decreases, asthma disappears, stomachs function properly and the whole catalogue of illnesses goes away and stays away."

11. Free Ride – The Edgar Winter Group
"THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN CONTROL PEOPLE IS TO LIE TO THEM. You can write that down in your book in great big letters. The only way you can control anybody is to lie to them."

12. Y’all Busted – Chill E.B.
"I’d like to start a religion. That’s where the money is."

13. Boop Bap – Chick Corea
"Scientology is used to increase spiritual freedom, intelligence, ability and to produce immortality."

14. L. Ron Hubbard – Children’s Scientology Pageant
“We are extending to you the precious gift of freedom and immortality—factually, honestly.”


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wonders never cease