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wonders never cease

Twenty Three Deep Thoughts for Jack Handey

Wednesday, February 25, 2015



We were going to write about the Oscars this week -- kicking it off with Everything Is Awesome, wrapping it up with the statue-winning Glory, and having some fun at the expense of Adele Dazeem and last week's Play List hero Glom Gozingo. Maybe we'd have engaged in a brief discussion about Common’s real name (Lonnie Lynn --  who knew?).

But, instead, we got sidetracked by a surprising fact: today is the birthday of one Mr. Jack Handey, genius writer of Deep Thoughts, among other things. Having assumed he was a figment of the imagination of the brilliant Phil Hartman, who voiced the intro for the recurring bit on Saturday Night Live, it was thrilling to discover that Jack Handey is real, still living among us, and still penning humorous thoughts and observations. Now that we know he’s a real person, we have a new hero to salute. Happy Birthday, Jack Handey. We hope you get your kryptonite cross this year and keep cranking out the humor for another sixty-six years. Here are a handful of our favorite Deep Thoughts for you to enjoy with some thematically-paired songs.

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.“
1. Walk A Mile – Holly Golightly

“Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.”
2. Bad Medicine – Bon Jovi

“If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! "
3. The Whole Enchilada – Keb Mo 

“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."
4. Flying Feeling – Crash Test Dummies

“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."
5. Disarm – The Smashing Pumpkins

“It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs."
6. Wild Packs Of Family Dogs – Modest Mouse

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
7. Imagine – John Lennon

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
8. Nearly Lost You – Screaming Trees

“I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."
9. King Of The Dogs – Iggy Pop

“If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward."
10. Midnight Coward – Stars

“I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?"
11. Dirty Laundry – Don Henley

“Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."
12. Flyswatter – The Eels

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."
13. Boxing – Ben Folds Five

“When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges."
14. Drop The Charges – The Gourds

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part."
15. Say It All – Sondre Lerch and The Faces Down

“Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number."
16. Thank You Very Much – Kaiser Chiefs

“Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote."
17. Democracy – Leonard Cohen

“Home is where the house is."
18. Home – Phillip Phillips

“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because, man, they’re gone."
19. Well They’re Gone – The Dandy Warhols

“Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise."
20. Blow, Ye Winds – Dan Zanes

“I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."
21. I’m Popeye The Sailor Man – Mark Mothersbaugh

“As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."
22. Honk and Wave – Limbeck

“I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, ‘I helped skin Bob.’"
23. Bob – Weird Al Yankovic

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